Not good to be alone

Before Nick left for a period of 10 weeks, I was fully freaking out about how I’d manage taking care of our girls without him. I was so worried, I thought it would break my heart. Two weeks in, I came to realize that I was wrong. The real heartbreaker came from missing him, my husband, my best friend and companion 💔😭.

I had sleep trained my 6 month old, and was getting long periods of quiet at night, yet still found myself miserably unable to sleep. Then I noticed I felt not just tired, but weak. So weak and having no interest in doing anything; not exercise- one of my favorite hobbies, or cooking meals, a basic essential. I struggled with attending to my babies, especially when they needed me to comfort them for long periods of time (like their bedtime). I was crying for every little thing, far more than when he had just left. What was happening to me? I felt like I was spiraling out of control. Then a friend randomly messaged me. She told me how when her grandparents where apart from each other too long, they would literally become sick.... and that it was okay to miss my husband.

It then struck me- I was actually becoming depressed, from not physically being with my husband. I felt so disappointed in myself. I mean army wives do this all the time and for much longer periods of time. He even comes home on weekends. Like it’s really not that big a deal right? I told myself to suck it up, and not make such a big deal about it. But I just couldn’t. I found myself breaking down into silent tears anyone would ask about us. Then it worsened to the point where I didn’t even need anyone to ask me anything for me to breakdown. How was I supposed to function?

I left a friend’s home one night, at my absolute lowest. She had just given me some over-the-counter herbal pills that were to help me boost my mood. I logged into a Bible Study where we studying Genesis 1 & 2. Thankfully God met me there 😌. Yes, it was pleasant seeing so many friends, but I had learnt something so interesting that night.

In creation, God looked at every living thing He made, and said it was “good”. He made man in His image, and though it was “VERY good”. Then he looked at man, and thought, it was “NOT GOOD”, for man to be alone. He then, went on to make woman, that husband and wife could be ONE flesh. That moment, I knew that God was looking on me, and knew that my situation was not a good one to be in. He knew that without my husband being physically being here, I simply can’t just go on functioning as intended or would normally do. I could sense that He wanted me to know, that it was okay to grieve being alone- or rather, being without my husband. That’s just not how we were designed to be. And so I spent timing grieving..... But then what? 🤷🏾‍♀️

I asked God was I really to spend the next 8 weeks crying 🥴? Or crying till I got used to him not being there? I really didn’t like the idea of getting used to my husband being here. So what am I to do now? As I asked, the answer immediately hit me:

“Every time I miss him, I am to pray for him. “

I then realized just how little I had prayed for him lately since these kids took over my life. Like I literally couldn’t tell when last I did 😣. I have no idea what’s going to come of praying frequently for him, but I’m excited and even expectant. My hope is that through praying for him, somehow it will not just bring him closer to God, but it will order his steps, it will impact those around him, and it will make us closer together. So I hope on, and I pray.... but I won’t feel guilty, ashamed, and definitely not silly for missing my dear husband 😌. I’ll boldly miss him with my chin held high and through prayer strengthen and build him up.

Sincerely,

Sherona