Temptation in loneliness

Confession 1:

I’ve often heard of spouses who’ve committed adultery and wrongly wondered and imagined all the possible reasons which might have led to this. Was it because of the family they came from? Was it because they made it a practice of premarital sex before marriage? Or was their spouse truly just a difficult one and indeed worthy of such betrayal as the marriage was quite a raw deal anyways. At the end of this sequel of wonder I’d usually shrug my shoulders, sip some water and mind my business because this simply couldn’t happen to me or my marriage because none of these pre existing circumstances applied to my marriage… or so I thought at least - And before anyone gets the wrong idea NO! This is not what happened in my relationship but I want to share quite an eye opening experience of just how this could literally reach anyone and how God has been training my heart with such. I also want to use the opportunity to extend grace and love to anyone who’s fallen in such a manner as I can only imagine the pain, judgement and rejection that has come with this. 

Now story time…

Because of the nature of my husband’s job, he often has to leave for weeks or even months at a time. This is not something he gets a choice in doing, but is ordered to. It happens at least once a year. And no, this is not something that would have us considering him changing careers. We’re grateful for this job, as it not only provides well for us, but it is something that he thoroughly enjoys and finds great purpose in as he’s able to serve so many beyond our knowledge and understanding. I understand it’s not something one should take for granted, a man who gets to earn and enjoys what he does while doing so. So we decided as a couple that this is what we will have to contend with while he’s working in this job, and made a countercultural decision for me to resign from my job to help provide stability and safety in our marriage and family, and even travel to be with him where possible.

As we started dating, he was away for 5 months, home for 3 days, then away for 9 months. Since that year to today, we’ve had to live in different places at least once per year. However, this year, our time apart hit different, well for me at least. 

Confessions 2:

For the first time I had to be without my husband, with four kids, no hired or family help. I longed for companionship as this time around we didn’t have our nightly catch ups as we would normally when he’s away. I was bogged down with the weight of housework that I had to manage without the help of another adult whilst homeschooling 2 children . Then of course one kid became ill, then within 2 days another… and this spread until it was my fate. Not only was I struggling with managing all the

work but tending to all sick individuals involved, while being weak and dysfunctional, barely able to tend to our basic needs as finding meals to eat. 

Just as when my kiddos are ill and are in need of extra love and comfort, I realize that my need for the same had increased despite previously being so distracted by the amount of work I was daily doing, I had no need or desire for such. 

It was only a matter of time before my loneliness became apparent. Not being able to leave the home, or having anyone visit to prevent spreading of illness, I could see no friends. I couldn’t see my husband when I wanted to. Soon I wanted attention, comfort, admiration not just from him, but just about anyone. I longed for romance and just to feel cared for that I was starting to not care who it would come from.

Nick thankfully was able to stop by home midweek. And as he cared and loved me for those few hours, I decided to take a risk and be honest and open about how I was feeling. A risk because he could’ve responded with grace and understanding but also because he could’ve responded with insecurity, anger and sense of betrayal knowing he was working so hard for us and not entertaining any thoughts as such. Thankfully he did with much grace, he listened quietly and asked gentle questions. Then days to come I was greeted with a beautiful bouquet, and a lovely dinner. He visited home and took care of a number of chores allowing me rest. And while I’m very grateful that he responded not just emotionally but physically way beyond I could have hoped for, I still felt I needed to be responsible for me actions and how I got there in the first place. I reached out to God, and I reached out to a friend, and God was kind to respond through various methods, but mostly his Word. 

1. “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;” 2 Peter 1:3-6 NIV

I am grateful for marriage, and how it has provided a way of escape from certain sin. But the truth is, even if I was never married, or if my husband passed, or had to go away for a long period time… He divine power has given me everything that I need for this life and to be godly. He already gave it when He sent Jesus to show how to do it, and then he died for my sins, then left me with the Holy Spirit. Giving me a wonderful husband wasn’t a necessity but a bonus gift. I already had all I needed. This was an opportunity to turn to Christ for all my needs rather than placing them all on this poor man. But also importantly, in leaning to Christ, allowing escape from the evil of adultery. As we seek after God and the things of him, grow in goodness, knowledge and self-control. 

2. “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”” Genesis 2:18 NIV

It was never God’s intent for us to be alone, even before sin had entered the world. Loneliness arrived prior to the fall, and it was not good. We were made not necessarily to be married but to have companionship. I do realize I had not been leaning into friendship as much as I could’ve and should’ve been. 

3. “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” 1 Thessalonians 5:22 KJV

I had a dream that I was alone in a place that I wouldn’t necessarily be in. An old friend with whom we were both attracted to showed up and proceeded to pursue me as he would’ve once done. Without thought I forcefully pushed him away and left. He pursued me until he was held and beaten. For various reasons I visited the hospital room to see if he was well, but was warned and instructed to run and run far away. Though broken and barely conscious, the young man proceeded to use all his might to run after me at which I woke up. 

I understood that dream to be a reminder of the need to flee from the very appearance of sin. No excuses, no hesitations, but run immediately and far away. Whether it is certain environments or individuals that easily entice, or shows or movies that leave one longing. And how do you know what to avoid? “Be alert and sober mind. Your enemy, the devil prowls around like a lion looking for someone to devour”. Be responsible for for your small actions that may cause you to fall. 

I’m so grateful for my husband who’s been more than generous and supportive with his ongoing response. I’m grateful that he’s allowed our marriage to be a safe space where we can even confess and discuss such matters that continue to bring healing and point us towards Christ. Big up yourself Nick. I’m grateful also for friends who can listen keenly, while seeing the hardship and difficulty of the situation still point me to Truth and the need for self control. Big up yourself, you know who you are. 

If you find yourself in a similar position, I’m praying grace for you. That this will be an opportunity to grow in self-control, but also a deeper relationship with God, your spouse and in friendship as you confess your sins and are held accountable by others who are trustworthy and faithful. 

Grace and Peace.